FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I didn’t come here to be called names
still the best tweet of the year by far
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.