Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.