It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Just grow your own
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
somebody come look at this
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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