I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I think I’ll stand
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.