Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
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remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Go hard or stay average
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please