Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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calling in to work dehydrated
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
so much to do