Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
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Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.