Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
dutch is not a serious language
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.