I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
How animals would run if they were human
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park