when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.