Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?