my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Breaking news:
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!