PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
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My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
IT’S-A ME,
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again