you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
the dark web is just a goth google.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks