[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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True?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?