lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I saw nothing
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?