India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
the clam before the storm
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time