screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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#winning
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.