Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.