I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.