If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”