Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
He’s cranky this morning
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos