I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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Pikachu found the lost joint
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.