If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.