Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
he was correct
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*