I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
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I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
What?!?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes