It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.