Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.