The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
They’re stuck in your pants?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Happy Febuary everyone!
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.