Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The prophecy is fulfilled
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram