So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.