Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.