OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.