My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.