If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.