If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.