Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.