Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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I needed a laugh this morning.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
This is a bad sign