Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Why are bridges so flammable.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Put a ring on it
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.