Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
The happy life.. 😊
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL