I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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Smile they said.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
no refunds
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.