Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
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I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.