The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.