[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever