This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death