Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
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Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what