[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
You Might Also Like
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit