Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.