Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Have kids, they said
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Customize Your Wedding.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”