Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!